She can borrow your favourite dress and the necklace from your deceased grandmother, but the one thing that is off limits is your man. The main difference between your best friend and your man is that you share your body with him and he owns a piece of your heart. You love them both dearly, but your best friend and your man loving each other is simply out of bounds, writes Dr Cassandra George Sturges.
Unquestionably, she is your best friend. You have shared everything about your life and your man with her. She knows the exact size of his penis, the last time you had sex together and how he rates with your past lovers. You trust her implicitly and deeply, the mere thought of her betraying your trust is unimaginable, because you know in your heart you would never intentionally hurt her.
So how do you set boundaries for two entities of your life that you love so much? First, realise that men are supposed to be attracted to women and visa versa. There are no exceptions. It is in the essence of his nature to be smitten by the shapeliness of a woman’s body, to become spellbound by her scent and magnetised by her cleavage. For most men there are internal biological and spiritual boundaries that curb them from being attracted to relatives and friends. But sometimes we put too much faith in external laws rather than respecting the natural laws of human nature.
Intellectually most women understand that it is treacherous to sleep with a friend’s male partner. But emotionally, some of us do not see our own role in contributing to this type of betrayal. Listed below are eight suggestions on how to set boundaries between your best friend and your man.
Mothers have told us over the years that if a woman is consistently in your home she is after your man or your business. There is a place and time for girl-talk. No woman should be at your home visiting during the working week while you are preparing meals or spending quality time with your husband or boyfriend. Unless she is invited to dinner with a male partner or you are fixing her up with a male friend your home is sacred and should be respected as such. Pay attention to your own behaviour with your female friends. Are family members putting on their pyjamas while you are there? Yawning? Mentioning how late it is or how sleepy they are? Catch a hint.
When you are unescorted by a male partner you should be conscious of the message you are sending to your friend’s male partner. Is your skirt extremely short, cleavage showing, belly out, nipples showing? Come now ladies, do you present yourself in a manner that shows respect to your girlfriend? Or do you blame her male partner for not controlling himself or acting like a “dog?” Do you bring up inappropriate conversation about sex and your male partners? What vibes are you sending out? We are not talking about male responsibility here, we are talking about being aware of human nature. It is okay to dress provocatively when you and your girlfriend are with a male partner because the male energy between the two men will have a balancing effect.
Don’t invite yourself along as a third wheel on your friend’s vacations, movies, dinners or concerts with her male partner. Remember, she loves you very much, chances are she will say ‘yes’. Be considerate of her relationship and give her the same respect and space that you would want and need. No matter how long the couple has been together, chances are her man is not looking forward to sharing his lady’s attention with you.
Unless he is calling your friends home looking for you (under extreme circumstances), there should be mild cordial, conversation on the phone. Your friend should not be in the middle of your lover’s quarrels and spats. She is your comrade not his. Period. Loyalty is very difficult if there is not an un- derlying single agenda. Your friend knows about the cute guy who you almost gave your number to. The only thing she has in common with your man is YOU. One thing leads to another, don’t set yourself up for a three-way-relationship.
Watch what you tell your man about your girlfriends, ladies. He doesn’t need to know the size of her vagina, what the guys at work say about her and any of the details of her personal life. Period. Think about some of things that you have shared with your man about your girlfriend, thinking that he will see her as a “tramp”. This will backfire. Giving him this information can make her more interesting and appealing. Secondly, stop sharing with your girlfriends information about your man’s sexual technique. You have to be responsible for setting boundaries, this is not about trust. When you tell your friends everything about the intimacy between your man and yourself, you exploit the sacredness of the bond between your man and yourself. Many times our friends do not cross our boundaries, we let them in.
Don’t think that your man would not be attracted to your friends because you are more attractive than they are. What makes a person attractive is very subjective. Mother has always said: It is not the woman that he openly says that he likes and compliments her appearance that you should worry about, but the woman who he constantly calls unattractive and puts down is the one you should be concerned about. This may be his way of throwing you off of his scent and denying his own attraction to her. Yes, you can trust your man. He is around beautiful women all day. Just re- member that he is a human being first and a man second. You don’t have to touch fire to know that it can burn. Trust that he will honour and respect your relationship, but don’t be naive.
If you know in your heart that you are attracted to your friend’s male partner, be honest with yourself and don’t seek opportunities and excuses to be around him, unless you are willing to sacrifice the friendship. If you know that he is attracted to you, distance yourself from him. It is not the mere sex that makes becoming involved with a friend’s mate so heinous, it is the loyalty, love and trust that your friend has bestowed upon you that is shattered. When a woman shares her deepest, darkest, most intimate secrets with you, she trusts that you will not use it against her to usurp her man.
Dr Cassandra George Sturges, a mother of two teenagers,
is a writer and author of A Woman’s Soul on Paper