LIFESTYLE: 7 keys to building positive relationships with difficult people
Is there a difficult person in your life whom you do not have the option to walk away from? While I do not promise that these steps will magically transform your relationship, I do know that you will achieve an empowered perspective by following them.
By Oma Edoja (Photo Shutterstock.com)
I was having a difficult time at work with someone I needed to work closely with.
I was the new girl. She was the established long-timer who had earned her respect. It appeared that to Ms. H, nothing I did was ever right. She constantly blurted out snide remarks about me and went behind my back to undo things I had done. We had at least one year to work together. I desperately needed to make this relationship work.
A trusted friend advised that Ms. H was a perfectionist and so I needed to bring my A game to the table. This brought very little comfort. I was already working myself sick over this job. However, I was determined to turn things around for the success of my career.
Over the next few weeks, I became more proactive. I completed tasks before they were due. I kept all paperwork up to date. I made sure that Ms. H had everything she needed to enable us to work together. During this time, I learned more about her. I learned that she bloomed with recognition and validation. In fact, she craved it. I decided to put some age-old wisdom to work: give people what they want to get what you need. I verbally acknowledged Ms. H’s skills. I asked her for help when I needed it. I made her shine before others on the team. I smiled wider, greeting her louder as I came in each morning. Before long, Ms. H was smiling wider and greeting louder too. She began saying my name in conversations with me whereas before, she had never bothered. The first day she tapped my arm as she spoke to me, I squealed inside, “It’s working, it’s working!”. By feeding her need for recognition and validation, I was gradually winning Ms. H over.
Most of us will at some point encounter difficult people we cannot do without. It is African culture to try to make relationships work rather than discard them at the first signs of difficulty. Indeed, difficult people are hard to deal with. The easiest reaction is to avoid them. But there are some you just have to get along with, to get what you want or to get where you are going. You do not want sparks flying every time you encounter them and you do not want them running roughshod all over you.
This is when I recommend finding and filling their emotional cup.
We all have one. Some of us are able to fill our own – by encouraging or validating ourselves, seeking the help or companionship of others, reading an inspirational book or engaging in spiritual exercise. People who proactively fill their own emotional cups tend to be happy, confident and resilient.
Then, we have those whose emotional cups are empty, whose emotional needs are unmet, who are unaware of their unmet needs or who have no idea how to fill them. These tend to be people in turmoil. They could present as needy and clingy or as demanding and domineering. If we can find and fill the emotional cups of the difficult people in our lives, those we cannot get away from and whom we just have to get along with, we have a better chance of a positive relationship with them.
7 keys to building positive relationships with the difficult people in our lives
- Know who you are
If someone is being difficult, they are the ones with the problem. You are separate from the situation and not defined by it. By keeping calm and in control, you hold the power to bring about the solution. I decided not to react to the snide remarks and sabotage, instead discussing things with a trusted colleague who helped me navigate forward. Instead of allowing the situation to get me down, I worked on keeping my cup full. - Filling your own cup
Surround yourself with uplifting influences; take stock of your achievements and celebrate them; pursue personal goals; follow a passion and connect with others who share it; make time to do the things you enjoy; enjoy family and friends; enjoy your own company; volunteer to help the less fortunate; engage in spiritually uplifting exercise; celebrate your own life, daily. These activities kept me self-charging through all the denigration. My opinion of me did not change with the negativity. I built up inner riches; I had more value to give. - Do the necessary
Do whatever it takes to build a positive relationship. At work, be professional and competent; in your marriage, or with a family member, invest quality time. Seek help from a professional counsellor or a trusted elder. Play your part and do not be found wanting. After a while, Ms H. had no more credible complaints. Instead, I began to earn her respect. Respect and negativity cannot coexist.
- Set targets and limits
What are you aiming for? Set clear targets or else difficult people will keep you jumping through endless hoops. I wanted a positive relationship for better productivity and enjoyment of my work. However, I was not going to keep jumping through hoops to please Ms. H. If after all my efforts there had been no change, I would have discussed my concerns with a more senior member of staff. - Build rapport
Find something you agree on, an aspect of work you both enjoy, a passion or interest you share; begin conversation about it. Pay them attention as you converse, making eye contact, listening, building rapport. With rapport, people open up. When they open up, you can discover their emotional needs. - Find the need and make regular contributions
Are they critical of others because they are critical of themselves? Is the passive aggression a plaster hiding insecurity? I discovered that Ms. H had personal troubles which threatened her confidence. By paying her compliments and making her shine, her need for recognition and validation was being filled. - Wean them off the attention
Let us bring this back into perspective. I was not taking on the lifetime role of ego massager to Ms. H. I was trying to build a positive relationship to support my career goals. Once our relationship improved, I kept up the professional competency but replaced the intensive care with the everyday things we do to keep relationships going. To this day, things have stayed positive and I am enjoying my job.
By daily filling your own cup, you can develop self-assurance and resilience. By taking stock of who you are, you can separate yourself from trying situations and become the solution.
